I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
