So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
