Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
