My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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