he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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