Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
