SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
