how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
soo... how was my night?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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