he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
