if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
