some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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