Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
