I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
