the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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