Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
