He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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