I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
