when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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