I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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