stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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