This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
