Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
