Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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