I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
