I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
