i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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