I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
