my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
