mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
