I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
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