just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
