I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
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I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
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Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.