I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.