Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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