Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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