for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
