Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
