I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
