They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
