New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
