I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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