That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
we made out on top of his cat.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
