Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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