Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I have feelings that need drinking.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
