im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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