We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
