Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
