Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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