Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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