Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
