Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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