SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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