Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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