I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
