but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
