R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Vodka?
Forever.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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